There is a lot of catching up to do. The last decade and a half has been one heck of a dumpster fire, but not limited to the events of the COVID-19 pandemic of 2020-2022. Since 2011, I’ve struggled to keep up a blog, and it’s been nearly impossible to share anything publicly until now. I’m long past the crossroads of those huge decisions, and there is now tremendous relief.
Recap of the last decade and a half.
2010:
I ended things with my boyfriend, focused on finishing my degree, and met a man in the fall who would throw my career plans off-course. There wasn’t much creative push in this era, as I was struggling to find myself again after ending a 5-year relationship.
2011:
In the spring of this year, I was engaged to a man I knew little about, mostly feeling the pressure of nearing the completion of my degree, and what I planned to do next. I had an illusion of choice, because it was the “sensible” thing to do, but God forbid I become an old maid at 25!
Wedding plans interfered with literally every aspect of my life, and my serious late-year illness should have delayed the wedding, but did not in the slightest. I should have seen then that after we married, he blamed me for the honeymoon’s slowness. It was a clear warning of what was to come.
2012:
The end of the bed bug debacle! The fact that we fought a lot over the preparation for this eradication of blood-sucking slumber insects was an indication that the expectations were high for me to do the lion’s share of the housework. I was laid off from my job in August of the same year. I took on another job in customer service, which helped me through the end of that year. Things would have felt better if I had been more adamant about what I wanted before I graduated the previous year. Art-wise, I was transitioning from traditional to digital, and a lot of work went into improving.
2013:
I remained unemployed for much of the year, but had a few odd jobs to help make ends meet. I borrowed many, many books from the library to continue my independent study of art and comics, and made huge strides toward becoming a better storyteller and telling those stories through pictures. This was also the year I became pregnant with my daughter mid-year, and a mid-summer move was necessary to prepare for her birth.
The remainder of the year was spent fretting over finances because I couldn’t really cope with all the stress, not to mention the worry that no one would want to hire someone already 6 months pregnant. I sank low; his income was low and insufficient for the family’s needs. He ended up with a second job, but I think he expected me to pick up the slack; however, I wasn’t really feeling too good carrying and making sure my child was healthy and growing. (That’s a lot of work on the female body, by the way!)
2014:
Early that year, my daughter was born. She was born a lot earlier than expected, but it was a huge relief since I became very sick at the end of my pregnancy (pre-eclampsia). I became so lost in motherhood that I essentially stopped drawing for the first few months of this year. There was hardly any way I could carry on with a newborn and the pressures of financial hardship. The economy wasn’t the greatest during these years either. Mid-year, I landed a part-time warehouse job in logistics, working nights, since it fit my and my husband’s schedule in caring for my daughter. There were some very risky events that happened between my (now ex) husband and me this year that were really trying. I didn’t have the energy to rectify the situation since I continued to battle depression.
2015:
Much of the same happened this year as in the previous year, except for the horror of birth. I was drawing some and wanted to further my education in art, so I decided that returning to school for a sequential art degree would be a good fit. The lack of support, working and caring for a one-year-old child, did me in, though it would have been feasible if I had the right support system. I did not. I ended up dropping out partway through the term because the lack of sleep from working nights and the pressure to keep up with my studies, and literally everything else, made my mind crash.
2016:
Throughout the winter, I again battled with my depression in addition to working nights and caring for a child during the day. He had made an offer on a new place to live, which meant yet another move, and I was expected to have done all the packing in addition to caring for a 2-year-old while also working a full-time job in logistics. The nightmare of the move set me up for frustration later that year, as I realized I could not continue as things had been. This was the lowest of lows, realizing at year’s end that I had lost myself entirely, and something must be done about it.
Art-wise, this year I began the rough draft of Lifesong and completed a few early pages of the first chapter. This was an incredible feat despite everything that happened that year.
2017-2019:
Early in 2017, I made a swift departure, leaving everyone who claimed to support me utterly confused and with serious reservations about my decision to cut ties with him. I moved out from under my (now ex) husband’s roof. The expectation that I was to do all the work and make him “look good” was no more. I didn’t want anything to do with this sort of treatment. I walked away.
These 3 years were such a blur to me in terms of what on earth I did; I don’t really recall much aside from feeling incredibly exhausted. I accomplished a lot of drawing these years, though I’m certain this is what kept me from sinking into a state of extreme depression. During this time, a close friend of mine and I decided to fully define our relationship as something deeper than friendship.
2020-2022:
Unfortunately, this was another huge gap in my memory. I ended up doing a lot of drawing for Lifesong and decided to redo my branding in hopes of starting anew. The pandemic that spanned these years prevented me from branching out and taking risks that could have been beneficial in the long term. I still felt a bit lost, and even struggled with depression during the winter months. The pandemic pushed me to do some things that I never expected to do as a single mom.
2023-2024:
My mom and I decided that it would be good for my daughter to take ballet lessons. Seeing how much she and the other girls at the dance studio she was in at the time enjoyed dancing, encouraged me to branch out and take dance classes again at the end of 2024.
Lifesong was more than half complete by these years, so this was an exciting prospect: finishing the redrawing of earlier pages to match the current art for future publication.
2025:
I began feeling a lot more like myself this year. Things were falling into a nice routine, til about mid-year when wildlife decided to move into the attic above where I was living. The noise and the struggle to sleep were big. Late this year was another huge move, but it resulted in an improvement in living.
2026:
There are current events! Yaaay! In January, my ex-husband filed for divorce. That set in motion the course of events that have unfolded this year. I was already planning to file, but he beat me to the punch. I had all of my plans in place, which really helped speed things along. At the beginning of May, I’m no longer legally bound to him, which is a huge relief. There are some different challenges that I didn’t expect to face, but things have improved so much since then. I’m able to do things for myself without the fear of retaliation, for one big thing. What will the coming years mean in terms of art and relationships? That opportunity is wide open, and I look forward to where life will take me.
In all of this, I see the hand of God’s protection, and I owe all of it to him for where I am today. My decisions have always led me to places where I’ve met friends who have given guidance and helped me understand myself, people, and the world around me.
